~ The Dilemma of
The Urban Black Female
I’ll never forget a situation in
Spike Lee’s movie “Malcolm X”, which turned out to be the most memorable
analysis in the entire movie for me.
Malcolm X, played by Denzel Washington, was dating an educated, sweet
and shy Black girl named Laura. Although
she gave him the okay to seduce her, he declined because he felt that she was
too good for him and he didn’t want to tarnish her. Good guy, right? Not quite. Instead he dumps
(or saves) her and gets with an experienced and lustful White woman named
Sophia. To make a long story short,
Laura ends up becoming a prostitute. Why, you ask? Because she wanted to be desired as Malcolm X
had desired Sophia. It didn’t matter
that he didn’t want to ruin her. What ultimately mattered was that he wanted
the other more sexual woman. And thus she became her, or something close to
it. This brings us to the dilemma of the
urban Black female.
From the start we are often not
allowed much room to be gentle, soft, and submissive. If we cry as toddlers because we fell and
hurt our knees, we’re told to brush it off, toughen up, and not to be a
crybaby. If we cry as kids because our
older cousins were teasing us, we’re told to brush it off, toughen up, and not
to be a crybaby. If we cry as kids because our brother punched us in the
stomach, we’re told to punch him back, toughen up, and (say it with me) “Don’t
be a crybaby!” I’m sure that by now you
get my point. The bottom line is that we
are taught to be tough and strong, while putting our emotions aside and
defenses up; basically to be just as hard as the boys are also taught to
be. Can you see where I’m going with
this? This is why when we grow up, many of us will not only stand up to a man,
but also believe that we are just as tough as him. (If not tougher) It is how we were raised to be.
When we do attempt to be soft and
submissive, it’s usually during sex.
However, in the urban Black culture sex is often paired with derogatory
slander. It’s even in the music and entertainment. There is often a lack of respect and value
for the sexual world. Instead it is often
used in a condescending manner to blackmail and/or ridicule females. Once
again, creating an arena for us to have to fight through our emotions, be
strong, and not be a “pussy”. This also makes
room for us to have mixed feelings toward these sexual acts and wonder what the
thin line is between being sexually liberated and being simply a ho. After all
everyone knows that guys want ladies in the streets, but freaks in the
bed. But can you really put a cap on
those things? And will one side end up
clashing with the other side? If we
bring this back to Malcolm X and how he respected the good pure girl but
desired the freak, is it not safe to assume that the more sexual females become
the less respect guys have for us? (as Malcolm X had little respect or love for
Sophia)
This is the dilemma of the urban
Black female, which often leads to many of us being deemed as having the “Angry
Black Woman Syndrome”. But can you blame
us? We are confused and devalued. We aren’t desired as much as women of other
ethnicities, in part, because we often have attitudes, are aggressive, are too
independent, and may be sexually conflicted.
But this is how we were programmed to be by both women and men in order
to be able to survive among the Black man (or any man) and still have dignity and
respect for ourselves in the end. We are
at the bottom of the totem pole, so we have nothing to lose. But maybe if we allow our baby girls to cry
sometimes, and scold our sons for hurting and demeaning our daughters, then
just maybe we can break this crippling cycle.
~Sincerely,
Me
Let me begin by saying that this is an excellent article with so many points to discuss and lots of branch-off topics to explore. That being said, I'd like to point out that Black women in particular seem to be very self-conscious, aren't we? We seem to pick apart every aspect of our identities and measure every grain of our existence as if we can't trust ourselves to just be. I guess that goes hand-in-hand with your overall Black Insecurity theme.
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I think the particular scenario in the movie you are referencing is applicable to all females though. Any insecure, impressionable female can find themselves overcompensating for what they see as a flaw because they have experienced some kind of rejection because of it. I'm not going to lie, I may just actually learn how to cook if a guy I really liked told me that he'd never marry a girl that can't/won't cook. But of course, that's a reasonable demand. Whether I would drastically change who I am to fit into what some man described as his ideal woman remains to be seen, but I sincerely hope that I don't.
ReplyDeleteI wholeheartedly agree with you when you say that mixed signals are sent to adolescent females, and that Black females are particularly susceptible to them. Yes, we are taught to be tough but not only that, we also learn to be tough by just looking at our dear, struggling mothers who is, in many cases, unable to find a man who understands and appreciates her beautiful struggle.
When it comes to sex specifically, I think the issue of a freak vs. lady extends across all races, although the term was coined by Black males. But taking the black side of things, yes, sex is used as a power to dominate women. Their own sexuality is used to demean them. Ever went to the club and see men cheering for booty-popping girls? Yea, I bet the best booty-popper feels so good about herself for beating out the rest in being the sexiest and most talented girl there, but the truth is while the men may admire her special skills and appear to be bowled over by her heightened sexuality, they don't respect her one bit. Society has already taught us what a real woman is supposed to be, and it doesn't matter what men say they prefer, they'll always know when they have a diamond from when they have a stone. I think figuring out how you want to be seen is a decision that every young girl has to make. Does she want to be seen as a 'cool chick' like Nicki Minaj? Or is she a more refined woman like Heather Headley? Does she even care what most men think? Or is she looking for someone who prefers her because his values are in-sync with hers? Is respect an issue when finding a mate/sexual partner or is tolerance just good enough? It seems to me that Black women aren't really liked, but just tolerated because, well, their sex is supreme. But is that all we are? Sexual objects? And who painted that image of us in the first place? And why do we perpetuate it? And why do our men throw it in our faces too? Don't they know that they're seen as the same; kings of sexual prowess? Anyone with any kind of dignity would try to shatter this image of themselves to break out of this miserable cycle. But how many accomplished black men and women do you see ever claim to be mediocre lovers? (not that anyone would...). You see, sexuality is closely linked to Black identity and so many Blacks are proud of this label. Unfortunately, this same label that we're so proud of has led to our demise in more ways than one, particularly in the dilemma of the Black woman.
Very interesting topic you brought up about learning to be tough by watching our mother's beautiful struggle, and we develop alot of pride in being a part of the struggle. But that pride can easily make it hard for us to blend well with those who don't understand it.
ReplyDeleteSo what has society taught? That a "real" woman is supposed to be classy but a freak with her husband. I've heard that even the bible endorces freak nasty behavior but only under marriage of course. But how much is too much?
Who would want to aim to be a mediocre lover, or anything for that matter? Yes we all often want to be great at whatever it is that we do. But we shouldn't have to be dull lovers in order to get respect, or sex slaves just to keep a man.
When I said that society has already taught us what a real woman is, I meant characteristics like gentile, kind, understanding, good-natured, well-mannered, forgiving, relatively weak, soft, mature etc. Basically the traits that are alien to ghetto hood rats. So, any man will KNOW that they have a real woman. He may choose to cherish her or not. I mean, some guys actually think good women are boring and the bad apples are 'exciting' but I definitely think people can distinguish between good and bad. And people can have raunchy sex all they want, as long as they're married, but that isn't to say that you'd expect someone to go to Hell and back with you just because you married them. That's usually not the case.
ReplyDeleteNo one aims to be a mediocre lover, but let's be honest here, just like all other talents and skills in the world, there are only a few who are truly exceptional at it. I was just referring to the kind of arrogance with which black men proclaim their sexual prowess, as if it is a given that they're awesome in bed simply because their skin is brown. Does that make sense? I've heard black people actually say 'For a black girl, I have no rhythm/I can't dance etc' So we are comfortable enough to debunk that stereotype but everyone just seems to ride with the 'You see me on the Subway, I'm black so you better believe my dick is huge and I could lay it down real good'. It's a kind of haughty pride that really rests on nothing concrete. I mean VIRGIN black men actually think that they are natural-born lovers. It's so sad that our entire race's only claims to fame are our ability to dance, sing gospel and have sex. And, of course, having sex is the most widely spread stereotype.
oh and our athleticism! lol
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